Don't believe me when I say I'm alright.

Never. Have I been this far down in the hole. I'm upset. I'm scared of myself. I'm very depressed. I don't want to be sad. unfortunately it is my default emotion now and I can't change it. Sure, I'm happy on occasion but it never lasts. Maybe I should take my mom's offer of getting me meds. But I don't want to be dependent on drugs. I'm afraid of what will happen, because that's how my brother got started and now he doesn't take the meds because he just drinks. Not a lot and not all the time, he's not a drunk, but enough that he can forget about being sad. He's a happy drunk. Or at least I think so.
Here's the big thing, the big reveal to my friends.

I'm not okay.

I'm not fine.

I haven't been fine for a while now.

I don't want to cover it up, but I don't want you all worrying about me. I pretend to be happy for most of the time when we hang out because I don't want to offend you. You're not boring me, I'm just sad. For no reason, and I'm frustrated, and scared to tell you, scared to tell my parents, scared that I'm going to get pushed into unwanted therapy, and terrified that you will all leave when you know how bad it really is, how far gone I am. I can't believe that I'm pouring out my heart here, but it needs to be said.

I'm not alright.

There, I admitted it. three times now.

I'm terrified and I wake up every morning scared and that's why I sleep like a rock is because I have nightmares that I can't remember but I know that they were scary as fuck. I wake up petrified, and usually drenched in sweat, and I can't remember why. Maybe it's tied to why I'm sad and don't know why but then again it might not. I don't know what to think anymore.

I don't know anymore. I just try to make it through each day on it's own.

 I think I'm going to talk to my mom tonight and just tell her that I don't want any medication and I don't want to see a shrink, I just want her to be there for me and let me cry when I need to cry, and not ask questions. I just need her to be able to nod her head and accept that I'm not okay but that I can deal with it on my own as long as she lets me and doesn't pry too much. I just need her to be able to say okay when I tell that I'm sad and not try to decipher why. I just need her to tell me it's okay. I just need her support. And I'm honestly scared to ask for this, and I don't understand why.

alright. I think I'm done now. Sorry.  Wait a minute, I'm not sorry, this is my damn blog and I'll put what I want on here. deal with it.

This has been a text post. :/