Leaving

That's right. I'm leaving tonight. For camp, like usual. I don't want to go yet though. Like there's so much more I want to do before my summer is up. When I get back from camp this weekend, school will be starting. No. Just no. I don't want it. I want the intellectual challenge maybe but definitely not the douche bags who go to school with me.
OH MY GOSH I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. SHAWNETTA JUST FINISHED THE LAST PART OF THE BLACK CAT AND I GET IT TO READ ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. AWWWW YISSSS.

*Excitment + Fangirling*

Now that I'm done with that, I thought I'd just tell you all right off the bat that I've got really hard classes for the first trimester so I might not post as often as I'd like to. Anyways, Yeah so I'll just give you guys those pictures from the fair and then leave you to it.

Bye now, enjoy my crappy photography.

Max doing tricks on his skateboard

This lovely couple was sitting down by the water at the fair and I just had to snap a picture

My friend Olivia actually took this one upside down, lying on her back

Olivia's picture for the photography section of the fair. She got nominated for a merit award too which is wonderful. 

BUNNIES.

The Bookmobile

Then the rodeo, unfortunately my camera batteries were dying by then so what pictures I have, are very blurry and generally bad.

This look like I did it on purpose? I didn't. Doesn't stop it from looking cool though 

The view from my seat at the rodeo back at the fair was awesome.

And that's it for the fair. This is Rowdy, the dog we got for my grandma. He had to stay at our house for a a day until we could get him to Menominee. He was super cute and loved to play. He was awesome for the time we had him. He's now at his new home with Grandma and Grandpa and they love him a lot. 

ha.

This is interesting, I haven't posted anything in eons and that's mainly because almost nothing happened, but I still have been getting lots of pageveiws. * excitement* So, yeah.

Like I said, I've been doing basically nothing other than golf and going swimming a lot with my sister. And by swimming I mean like athletic swimming not just soaking in the water like a soap sponge. I just got back from a match in Shawno actually, for golf. I did okay. Not the best but not the worst either. Eh. I'm going golfing with my mom tonight too. So that'll be eighteen holes in one day, not bad i'd say.

Well, I'm going to keep this short and probably upload a few photos later from the fair and such. I don't think I really put many picture from that up here. Hmmm. Working on my story. Going pretty good, I've got about fifteen pages done and still going strong. But I've put that on hold until I can get my project for Dana done because that's already later than I said it'd be. whoops.

bye then.

Well,

I really have no idea what to say because besides golf I haven't been doing much at all. Oh wait, I lied. I went over to Dana's house after a golf match once this week. OH CRAP. I JUST REALIZED IT'S WEDNESDAY. WHERE HAS MY TIME GONE?

Dana has got me working on some house emblems things for her rping put other than that I have really nothing going on besides my animation and trying to remember how to code in c++

oooooh. I almost forgot to tell you all, I might be getting photoshop soon and then maybe I can get my brother to show me a few things, because he rocks at using photoshop. :)

I'm going to go back to queuing posts now, bye.

Anyways

Yeah so I forgot to tell you about my weekend. 

I got to do a lot this weekend. I started off my weekend by staying at Dana's house and we stayed up until four watching Supernatural and rp-ing. Dana did the rp, not me. I watched and laughed. We scared Max with Supernatural and he insisted on sleeping on the couch where we were with our computers. I believe he was scared to sleep alone because when we migrated to her room he whined about it and begged us not to leave him there alone. :) Anyways, my mom bought doughnuts for us and had me bring them over so when I woke up at ten, I got up and had coffee with her mom, as per usual and had a doughnut. Dana got up at eleven and we didn't get changed out of our pjs until it was like an hour before we had to leave the house. We were going to the fair with Olivia. 

Dana's mom drove us over to Olivia's and from there, her dad brought us to the fair with this lady. I don't know if she was his girlfriend or what but I didn't ask, I just accepted it and moved on. So we got there, barely alive after having squished all three of us into the back of her dad's car; we had to strategically place ourselves inside so that we could all buckle up. We started to walk into the fair and who do I see but Owen Duffeck. He's this kid I know from up at camp, and Olivia saw him first. She knew him because she was a counselor at one of the camps that he went to this summer. It was cool, we only stopped for a second because they were practically dragging me into the fair, I think that Olivia just didn't want to talk to him. I did though so I was sad when I only got to talk for a second. Oh well, I'll probably see him next weekend up north anyways. I'll apologize for not stopping and talking to him then. 

So the rest of the fair part of the fair was lots of fun, they finally got rid of one of the oldest rides there, The Big Witch. It was the stupidest ride there but the most people rode it just to see how bad it was. It was supposed to be scary but it failed miserably. It's actually pretty funny. We rode some of the rides but not all of them. And the batteries on my camera were already failing, so I didn't get much for pictures of the actual fair. But I got me and Olivia each a gyro and I got a good picture of them. They were delicious. And then there was the rodeo.

The rodeo is always cool, but this year was even cooler than last year. There was all the normal stuff like the bull riding and snagging the calves. But the main thing was the buffalo guy. He had these two buffalo that he would chase around the ring thingie, and they brought a truck with a trailer attached to it into the ring and he would chase the buffalo onto the top of the trailer, they would climb onto the back of the pickup and then from there onto the top of the trailer. It was so cool. and to top it off, the guy only had one arm. 

When the rodeo was done, we went and got more food. We got a funnel cake, and cheese fries, and a soda and all three of us shared it. It was a good funnel cake but the cheese on the fries wasn't very good and the coke didn't even taste like coke it was like vaughly flavored water.

Then Olivia's mom picked us up from the fair and we stayed at her house for the night. We slept in the basement, on the concrete. Olivia already had it all layed out, a sort of mattress out of blankets and a power strip, and pillows. lots of pillows. We all got out our laptops and plugged into the power strip and blogged. Her mom took a picture because she thought that it was funny that we were having an "internet party."  We ended up only staying up until like 2:30ish but that was plenty late for me. I conked out in like 10 minutes, but it took Dana a bit longer apparently and Olivia kept waking up and so at 5 when she woke up she decided to play slender. If you don't know what it is go look it up on youtube. It's really scary.

then the next morning, we got pancakes, eggs, and bacon. It was delicious too. Then later that afternoon after more blogging, Dana's mom brought me home because Ryan was busy. 

Last note:

 Olivia, I'm sorry about getting you yelled at, I really have no excuse for it. All I can say is that I'm sorry and that it won't happen again. Ever. 

Okay bye now.

Don't believe me when I say I'm alright.

Never. Have I been this far down in the hole. I'm upset. I'm scared of myself. I'm very depressed. I don't want to be sad. unfortunately it is my default emotion now and I can't change it. Sure, I'm happy on occasion but it never lasts. Maybe I should take my mom's offer of getting me meds. But I don't want to be dependent on drugs. I'm afraid of what will happen, because that's how my brother got started and now he doesn't take the meds because he just drinks. Not a lot and not all the time, he's not a drunk, but enough that he can forget about being sad. He's a happy drunk. Or at least I think so.
Here's the big thing, the big reveal to my friends.

I'm not okay.

I'm not fine.

I haven't been fine for a while now.

I don't want to cover it up, but I don't want you all worrying about me. I pretend to be happy for most of the time when we hang out because I don't want to offend you. You're not boring me, I'm just sad. For no reason, and I'm frustrated, and scared to tell you, scared to tell my parents, scared that I'm going to get pushed into unwanted therapy, and terrified that you will all leave when you know how bad it really is, how far gone I am. I can't believe that I'm pouring out my heart here, but it needs to be said.

I'm not alright.

There, I admitted it. three times now.

I'm terrified and I wake up every morning scared and that's why I sleep like a rock is because I have nightmares that I can't remember but I know that they were scary as fuck. I wake up petrified, and usually drenched in sweat, and I can't remember why. Maybe it's tied to why I'm sad and don't know why but then again it might not. I don't know what to think anymore.

I don't know anymore. I just try to make it through each day on it's own.

 I think I'm going to talk to my mom tonight and just tell her that I don't want any medication and I don't want to see a shrink, I just want her to be there for me and let me cry when I need to cry, and not ask questions. I just need her to be able to nod her head and accept that I'm not okay but that I can deal with it on my own as long as she lets me and doesn't pry too much. I just need her to be able to say okay when I tell that I'm sad and not try to decipher why. I just need her to tell me it's okay. I just need her support. And I'm honestly scared to ask for this, and I don't understand why.

alright. I think I'm done now. Sorry.  Wait a minute, I'm not sorry, this is my damn blog and I'll put what I want on here. deal with it.

This has been a text post. :/

Hey

Hey, So yeah. I'm back. Lots happened today alone, but I don't know where to start.


Maybe the beginning?

Had a golf match today, and it was pouring rain. And lightning everywhere, so when we got there we had to wait out the lightning but then we had to play in the rain. Surprisingly I got the best score I've ever gotten, it helped that I had just fixed my swing but even still, I could have done better, I know it. I got a 58, and for those who don't play golf, that's pretty good. I'm on Varsity technically.

After golf, it was off to Dana's for me for a few hours. I watched her rp with some people and then we watched some funny videos. I was only there for a few hours so we didn't get to do much besides that. Olivia then picked me up and I went with her to Bay Beach for her mom's work's staff picnic. We didn't really hang around the adults much at all, because we had money and we were in an amusement park. The Zippin Pippin was really fun, I think I bruised my pelvis though, because there's this upwards jerk near the end that almost throws you out of your seat but you get held in by your pelvis hitting the bar. Ouch. We rode a few other rides and then it was time to go. Her mom didn't have time to drop me off, so I went back to Oli's house and we almost finished a game of Cribbage. Then  we felt like making cookies, so She started the oven. I got to have one of her Pizza Biscuits, and man are those good! They are really simple to make to apparently. She told me how, and I think I might do that one day when I'm bored. But I had to leave before she could even put them in, so I stole a cookie from her cookie jar instead.  Oh and I told her that I'd put up a picture of my extreme Cribbage hand from up north.

Here, Count the points on that sucker.

PICTURES

Yeah, I'm a bit of a picture nut lately, but hey it's fun. I like that satisfaction when you get the perfect shot. it is just awesome. :) Anyways, I think I put up most of the pictures I really love, but I've got a gazillion from Berta's garden, so I'll just indulge here and make this a really long picture post. :)

Oh and before I forget, sorry that the post dates are all out of order, or at least I think they are, I'm not really sure anymore, but I'll be putting all this up on my art blog too. Long night ahead for me.